Friday, May 21, 2010
New Idea
Hey, a big shout out to everyone who has read my stories, and told people they know to read them. The publicity is greatly appreciated. But something I may do, since I plan on publishing these one day, is start just posting snippets. This is so I can have my readers wanting more, plus there would be no point in publishing these if you can just read them on my blog. So just a heads up "So Complicated" is the last full story you are going to see, as for the rest, you will just see snippets. Which is probably for the best because I know some of my readers hate reading my stories in their entirety. Peace and Love, Devin aka Shadow D.
So Complicated
So Complicated
There was a girl in my class that I was attracted to, but I didn’t know how she felt about me. I don’t even know what it was about her, but her just being around me made me want her, more and more.
She had two classes with me and always sat near the window, where she would look out of it and day dream. She had smooth chocolate skin, natural hair, a pretty smile, a toned body, and the list could go on and on. And I would sit at the desk on the opposite side of the room, so she wouldn’t notice me taking little peeks at her. It was a habit of mine; I couldn’t help that she was attractive. Think of it as me paying homage to her beauty.
During our history class is when I got to interact with her the most, since we were working on a group project together. Associate the Bill of Rights with issues that were going on today, current events. It’s the schools way of seeing if we’re retaining any of the bullshit that they are trying to spoon feed us, sad, right? But even though the project was a waste of time, I was still happy to work with Andrea.
“Jasmine, did you get the information I asked you for? We can’t be messing around on this project. You already know how much it’s worth. It’s bad enough we got stuck with these two dumb asses. So I really need you to come through for me, okay?” Andrea said.
Yeah, my name is Jasmine, and I’m attracted to girls. I’ve had this feeling for as long as I could remember, and it became certain when I had gotten my first kiss, a year ago at 13. It was with a girl from my neighborhood who enjoyed rough housing. I’ve always been the type of girl who never liked to get dirty and roll around in the mud like a tomboy, or butch in a sense.
One day she had come over after school, forgetting her keys she was locked out. We couldn’t agree on what we wanted to do, while we waited on her mother to come home so she could open the door for her. But something seemed different about her that day, like she was hiding something. It was then she confessed to me that she thought I was cute. It was flattering because it was the first time I had received a compliment, which made me smile that is.
I had received them from boys in the past, but they never seemed genuine. My mother had always told me, “Jasmine, stay away from those boys. They only wanna get you pregnant.” So with that thought in my head, I just stayed away from them and didn’t give a rats-ass to what they had to say.
Back to the girl who thought I was cute. Even though she was more boyish than anything, I thought the same thing. She was cute, in her own way. She had pretty eyes and a nice smile, almost similar to Andrea’s. The girl had looked me in my eyes and cradled my cheek in her hand, so gently. Leaning in, she kissed my lips softly. That kiss sent a surge through my spine and goose bumps sprinting down my arms and legs. Her and I never pursued a relationship, because she had came out to her parents, about liking girls, and was sent away. But after that day I’ve only liked girls, boys do nothing for me. I don’t find them attractive, I think some of them are cute, but from a friends perspective.
“I know what you mean, girl. I don’t see why the teacher grouped us with these little fucktoids. I mean, we’d be better off doing this project by ourselves. Just you and me, doesn’t that sound good?” I said in sarcastic tone, though I meant every word of it.
“Ha, ha, yeah, you right, girl. I’d be happy if it was just you and me working on this. Besides, I can’t afford to fail this class. I’m not trying to be a freshman forever. And I definitely know that these two nigga’s aint going to hold me back.”
“Amen to that.”
Andrea and I got along well enough, but those were the only times we really talked, during class. We never saw each other outside of school. I don’t even know how I would approach that.
It was hard falling for a girl, because there weren’t too many people I could talk to about this. Much like the girl I shared my first kiss with, my parents didn’t support homosexuality. They would always tell me how much they wanted grandchildren, and I was an only child. So it would be hard to pursue a relationship, with another girl. I couldn’t talk to Andrea about this, because I didn’t want her to stop talking to me. So on days I was confused I would go into the girl’s bathroom and sit in one of the stalls and just talk to myself, or I may even talk to myself in the mirror.
“Don’t worry, Jasmine. Everything is going to work out in your favor. You aren’t weird or awkward for liking girls. It’s normal, well, not technically normal, but it is normal for you, and that’s all that should matter.” I would tell myself, looking in the mirror, fixing my hair and make-up.
Everyday I would go home and go through the same routine: grab a snack, do the chores, do my homework, help mom with dinner, listen to Bible study with dad, finish up any homework I didn’t finish earlier, and go to bed.
But it was during my sleep when everything started to get – hot and steamy. My dreams normally told me a lot about myself. But sometimes they made me feel – naughty, and I didn’t enjoy having these dreams…well sometimes I didn’t. But that particular night I had a dream about Andrea. She and I were sitting on a bed, gazing into each others eyes. She cradled my cheek like the girl who first kissed me did, and she took the same action. Her lips touched mine, but instead of us stopping there, we continued. My hand pressed to her cheek as well, as we started to lie down. Our clothes started to come off and I was feeling pleasures that I never imagined before.
Andrea was touching all the right spots and kissing me in places that I could, literally, only dream about. And as she did I was calling out her name, “Andrea, Andrea, Andrea!” I would scream out.
I woke up out of my dream, and as my eyes opened I saw that my dad had me in his arms with a look of worry on his face.
“Jasmine, are you alright? You were screaming someone’s name, Andrea, I think it was. Is everything fine? Was it a bad dream?” My dad questioned.
“Yeah, just a bad dream is all. I saw something bad happening to my friend Andrea and I wanted it to stop, so I was calling out her name over and over, hoping that it would bring an end to it.”
My father pulled me into a hug and stroked the back of head, consoling me. I was happy that the lights were off and my blanket was above my waist, because what I hadn’t noticed before was that my hand was down my pajama pants, in between my legs.
The next day at school I was in history, doing my usual stare at Andrea. While I did, I was thinking about the dream I had the other night. The feeling of how vivid and how real it felt was insane. It felt like she and I were really making love to each other. But, even if something like that were to happen, I wouldn’t know the first thing to do.
In Family Life Education they teach you about how boys and girls do it, but they say nothing about how two girls are supposed to do it. I supposed it wouldn’t be too natural for them to go into too much depth about it.
It wasn’t until the teacher told us to break off into our groups that I really started to pay attention.
“You got the info?” Andrea asked me.
“Yeah, it’s right here.” I said, as I reached into my backpack and pulled out papers that pertained to our project.
A big smile came on her face. Part of me wanted to smile back, but the other just wanted to kiss her soft, sexy, smooth lips. That was the part of my dream that I enjoyed the most, whenever we kissed I just got that rush throughout my body.
The other two boys were fucking around and not getting any work done, while Andrea and I were trying to put everything together. I was reaching for a pencil, but she was reaching for the same one, then our hands touched. Her skin felt so pure and soft, like she had just applied lotion to it. It felt warm, and that warmth seemed to travel through my arm and into my chest. I could feel something as our hands touched. I had wanted so much just to hold her hand, but she moved it away and apologized.
But as she did I caught a quick glimpse of her face, she seemed shy. I also could see a slight grin start to form from her lips. Seeing that made my heart jump, maybe she was feeling the same thing I was.
“Awww, look at the two budding lesbians,” said one of the boys who was in our group. He and his friend started to snicker at us, little bastards.
They both were punching each other in the arms, some ritual that guys seemed to do when they thought something was funny to them. Andrea and I found little-to-no amusement from it, and Andrea let them know.
“Nigga, don’t be mad cuz you can’t land a girl like this and I can. Sorry ass, nigga.” Andrea said, as she motioned to me and kissed my cheek.
“Oh, girl, I know you just didn’t say some shit like that to me.”
“And what if I did, little man? Shit, I heard your girl talking bout you. I won’t repeat it, I’m not trying to put you on blast, but how bout you do your work of the project and leave us the fuck alone – Mr. Little Dick.” She had said the last couple of words in a hushed toned, not wanting to embarrass the boy in front of the entire class.
He and his friend had got up and left, leaving Andrea and I by ourselves. She looked back at me and raised her hand, like she had wanted a high five. So I gave her one, and once again when our palms had touched, my heart jumped again. Retracting my arm quickly, I sat back and looked over the information I had gotten for the project. Andrea had done the same.
Class was over and the students started herding towards the door. I was trying to leave until Andrea stopped me.
“Hey, Jasmine, wait up for a second, will you?”
I had waited for her outside the classroom. Leaning against the wall, I started to think about the entire period of class. Every gestured made, to the boys taking their jokes a little too far. Our hands touching had affected me the most, because of what it had felt like. I had hoped in the deepest parts of my heart that Andrea had felt the same way. A warm feeling that someone would get from hugging their mother, after they haven’t seen her in a year and everything just feels together.
Andrea had come out and we had started walking towards the lockers. I couldn’t help but notice her figure, shapely. Her figure was perfect, toned and sexy. The curves were in all the right places, with her clothes hugging her tightly and draping down smoothly, with no piece of fabric being sucked into fat creases, like how some girls had fashioned.
Andrea never had any trouble getting a guy to notice her, they’d always swoon. But she never dated much, I may have seen her with one guy this entire year, but they didn’t last too long. All I know is, after her and her ex broke up he went to go date the school slut, see how far that gets him.
“So, what’s up, Andrea?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Nothing, really, but – do you want to go to a party this weekend?”
She had caught me by surprise with the offer, and I really didn’t want to turn her down. It had been a while since I had been out and to a party, should be fun.
“Sure. Where is it at?”
“My place, since my family is going out of town. So we gonna partay! We got drinks coming, so I hope you ready to get drunk, girl.”
She had brushed her shoulder against me and was dancing, so I reciprocated the gesture.
“Aight, I’ll see you there, then.”
The night of the party was crazy. I had gotten dressed in a nice dress, yellow and brown. I had on my black heels and I was ready to step out, but not with the intent on bagging a guy. I hoped Andrea was going to like what I was wearing.
Getting there, the music could be heard from down the block. I saw people chilling outside, couples making out, girls grinding on guys, and goers bringing in different types of alcohol.
Inside was a fascination of colors. Andrea had picked up a multi-colored ball that flashed different colors throughout the house. The house was nice, small, but nice. It was one floor, and all the doors were locked, I guessed so no one would steal anything.
I had seen Andrea, and she looked amazing. She had on an all black dress, with some black pumps, and part of her hair was in a bun, while the rest draped down her back. Seeing her made me feel the same way I did that night of my dream. I had wanted her so badly, but a guy was talking to her. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealousy.
I walked over to her and took her by the hand, pulling her away from the guy. She told that she wasn’t even interested in him, anyway. Her and I danced, my hand wrapped around the back of her neck, while both of our pelvises shot forward. They brushed up against each other and it made me feel like seeing what was under her dress, but I had to keep my composure.
As the night continued, Andrea was drinking and socializing. I didn’t drink at all, but I talked to a few people I knew from school. I had seen a guy who had played my friend, Monica. No one really knew what happened to her, but she all of a sudden just stopped coming to school. I don’t know what this nigga was doing, but he was talking with some other girl, she’ll learn.
The party ended around 2 in the morning. I decided to help Andrea clean up; well I would be doing most of it because Andrea was a little drunk.
“Girl,” she said in a slurred voice, “that party was so fucking crazy.” Andrea had come up to me and put her arm over my shoulders. I could smell the booze on her breath, she looked cute drunk.
“Come on, Andrea, let’s get you to bed.”
“Nooooo, I don’t wanna.”
I took the arm that was over my shoulders and grabbed her wrist. I had helped her to her room and laid her down on the bed. Taking off her heels, I started to take her dress off, so she would be comfortable.
“You just wanna get me undressed, don’t you?” Andrea said loudly, as she put up a struggle for me to get her dress off.
“I just want you to be more comfortable.”
“Don’t think I haven’t seen you making kissy faces at me. I’ve seen you in class starring at me like you want my goodies. Well, guess what? I’ve wanted the same thing, too!” Her drunken words made me feel some type of way, as she placed her hands on either side of my face and kissed my lips.
I didn’t know how to react, the girl of my dreams kissing me. My entire body had gone numb and loose. The kiss was amazing, despite the lingering smell and taste of Vodka.
I had pulled away and tried to regain my composure. “Andrea, do you even know what you’re doing or saying? I mean, yes, I have been staring at you, but…okay. There is no point in hiding it. I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time, and that kiss just meant everything to me, and I know you are drunk, but I just want you to know that I think I’m in love with you.” Of course, I didn’t know how I was truly feeling, but what else could I have said. I wanted to be true to myself, and myself told me that I loved her.
“Shhhhh,” she said, putting her index finger in front of my lips. “I,” she pointed to herself, “like you,” then she pointed to me, “not just like friends, but I have dreamed about kissing you. Now kiss me again.”
I couldn’t hold back my tears, so I leaned forward and kissed her lips. Her lips felt so smooth touching mine. The warm feeling that was there anytime our hands touched had returned. Then I felt something I thought I wouldn’t have, her hands groping me. Then she and I lied down on the bed together.
The next morning she and I woke up next to each other. Something I had noticed when I sat up, all my clothes was off. I had no recollection of what had happened last night, just that I felt a tingle in between my legs. Well, let me correct myself, I knew what happened, but now it is just a blur of what was. Looking next to me, I had noticed that Andrea was still asleep. I lifted up the covers and seen that she, too, was still naked. And the only thought that was going through my head was, thank God her parents weren’t home.
She began to toss and turn, pulling the blanket with whichever was she rolled. As she was about to roll off the bed I caught her. My arms were wrapped around her waist and she began to wake up.
Andrea sat up, palm placed against her forehead, slowly moving her head back and forth. She probably had a headache, from all the drinking she did last night. The blanket fell off of her, as she sat up more, exposing her luscious breast. I couldn’t help but take a peek, but my priorities went to back her to see if she was okay.
“Are you good, Andrea? Do you want me to get you anything?” I asked her.
“What all happened last night?” She asked, as she continued to shake her head.
“Um, well, you got drunk. We kissed. And, somehow, we ended up in the bed naked with each other. Minds can only inquire as to what happened.” I said laughing a little bit. But then my light-hearted demeanor soon switched to a more serious one. “You also told me how you really felt about me…” I looked away from her, as I revealed what had happened the night before.
“Oh, wow, I said all that?”
I nodded my in agreement. I began to gather my things, and started to put my clothes back on, they were scattered across the room. The silence was brittle, but no one did anything to break it. It wasn’t until I was putting my shoes on that Andrea actually said something.
“I meant every word…” Andrea said in a low voice. “I really do like you, Jasmine. Have you ever noticed that I never really date guys like that anymore? It’s because ever since I’ve seen you, my heart feels at ease, like everything just seems right when I’m talking to you. And there were times when I saw you looking at me, but I would continue to stare out the window and just day dream about us. My only problem was I didn’t know how to tell you how I was feeling. Of course, I would have to be drunk to tell you my true feelings.”
My heart had stopped. Everything that I had once dreamed about was coming true. The feelings that were wrapped around my heart, finally started to loosen. I had real feelings about Andrea, and I wasn’t about to let this opportunity pass me by.
But even though I was sure I knew what I wanted to do, my parents feelings still scared me to no end. My parents were avid church goers, and didn’t believe in homosexual relationships. They felt they were morally wrong, and anybody who was in them was bad people. I was afraid that if they had ever figured out they would send me away like my first kisses parents did to her.
It was the last thing that I needed to worry about. Andrea and I decided to keep our relationship under wraps, rather than exclusive.
In school we acted like the best of friends, but after it, she and I had a relationship that some people could only dream about. We were happy, and we continued on like everything was as normal as could be.
“Jasmine, I’m glad you and I are together,” she said to me.
“I know, Andrea, I’m happy to. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. There really aren’t too many girls out there who are accustomed to this sort of lifestyle. So I feel fortunate, that I was able to find someone like you.”
She leaned in and kissed my lips gently. She and I were at my place, one day after school. My parents weren’t due home for hours, so she and I took advantage of the time we had by ourselves. She had closed the door, and my clothes had started to come off. Once our lips had touched, I had gone in to ecstasy.
We had lost track of time, as Andrea laid her head on my bosom. I had brushed her hair out of the way of her face and kissed her forehead. Her body felt so warm against mine, as my hand softly stroked her arm. I could feel her toes tickle my leg, reacting to how I was touching her arm.
The sun shone in through my window and the bright rays warmed me up. My room was silent, and it felt right because I had rarely gotten the chance for peace and tranquility. It was like my own personal utopia, with every that I could have ever imagined in my room.
I had had everything that I wanted: peace, silence, the girl that I was falling for. Everything was perfect, despite having to hide the truth from my parents. But at this point it was a minor detail.
I looked down at Andrea, and noticed how adorable her face was. Her nose wrinkled as the hairs that draped down her face tickled it. Her eyes kept closing harder, as if she didn’t want to see something so bad, but I didn’t know why, because I had wanted to see her pretty brown eyes so badly.
As I admired her cute features, I could hear the handle to my door turning. Shooting up, I tried to wake Andrea up, but it was too late. Both of my parents stood there, bewilderment and shock covered their faces, witnessing their daughter naked and in bed with another girl.
“What the fuck!” my dad screamed out.
“Girl, put on your damn clothes, right now!” screamed my mom.
Ever since that day, Andrea hadn’t talked to me too much. My parents had told hers what they had discovered, and they felt that Andrea didn’t need to be around me anymore. The hardest part about it was how Andrea took it. She didn’t seem to care, or at least that’s how she came off. It was at school when Andrea explained to me what was happening.
“Jasmine, we can’t be together. I don’t even know what I was thinking…” she said in a low, almost sarcastic voice, “I’m a girl, I’m supposed to like guys, not girls. This was only something I wanted to experiment with, but you became too in to it.
“I’m sorry, Jasmine, but I just don’t like you like that. Please, don’t talk me anymore, don’t call me, and don’t come around my place. As far as you are concerned, I am just another girl in school, who likes guys. I’m not gay, you are. I’m normal, and my parents say that they’ll forget all this happened, and they’ll forgive me, if I stay away from you.
“At first I thought they were acting stupid, but then I really started to think about it. The Bible frowns upon homosexuality, and I don’t want to go to hell. And if you don’t want to go to hell, then you might want to get over this entire lesbian phase.”
Every word she spoke, she seemed to choke out. It was almost as if it was hard for her to say each word, and that even she didn’t believe everything she was saying. But even though I believed that, every word was still the equivalent to a knife slowly piercing its way into my heart.
After she was done speaking, she turned her back to me and walked away. There was nothing I could say to her that could change her mind, so what would be the point? But I knew who I was, and I knew what I liked, girls, and I was going to continue on with that lifestyle. I didn’t care what the Bible said, because the Bible doesn’t predict my happiness. The Bible doesn’t give me directions on what I should do if faced with a situation like this one. The Bible can’t penalize me, because of the way that I was born. But, it still did. Because of those words and peoples beliefs, some people won’t accept me for being me.
When I had gotten home, my family still didn’t talk to me much. But I still did my daily routine: grab a snack, do the chores, do my homework, help mom with dinner, listen to Bible study with dad, finish up any homework I didn’t finish earlier, and go to bed. But I noticed when I was helping my mom out with dinner, tears dropped down her cheek.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I asked, in hopes that I could help.
“My daughter is a fucking LESBIAN!” she shouted right in my face.
The word she yelled at me made me start to cry. Her words ripped through me like paper going into a shredder. I didn’t know what to say, or how to react. I didn’t want to see my mom cry, but I was the reason to why she was crying.
“Mom, why can’t you be happy that I’m happy,” I cried out.
“Why would I be happy that my daughter likes other girls and wants to go against the teachings of the Bible? How the hell am I supposed to have grandchildren now! You’re living in sin, Jasmine, sin!”
My dad ran into the kitchen, because of all the screaming. I tried to run to him for comfort, but he pushed me off of him. My face was hurting and I couldn’t keep it straight from all the crying I was doing. I looked in both of my parents eyes and could the disappointment and pain on their faces. Their pain reflected my own, as my mom found the comfort I was looking for in my dad.
I wanted to join them but I felt they would only push me away. I felt my legs start to go weak, and eventually they gave out and I began to topple to the floor. Trying to grab the counter for leverage was to no avail, because my fingers had slipped. As I lay crippled on the floor, I began to hit the ground to release all of my pain and anger. I kept hitting the ground until I couldn’t anymore; my dad had grabbed my hand. Looking up at him, trying to look past the pain, I saw how angry he truly was. The disappointment in his eyes was so tangible, as if he was looking at his biggest regret.
“Stop all that nonsense hitting. The neighbors are going think that we beat you or something. Look, the last thing I would want is to disown you as my daughter. But I can’t generally be proud to have a gay as a daughter. You are a shame to this family. Now, we could look past all of this if you leave that life behind and ask God for forgiveness. We’d be glad to forgive you, as well. And we will never have to remember this moment of ignorance. If not, then I can’t allow you to live under our roof anymore.” My dad said, extending his arm out to me.
They wanted me to forget who I was, what made me happy. They wanted me to ask for forgiveness for something that I didn’t feel sorry about. Is this how forgiveness worked? Is this how life is supposed to be? Conforming to a way that makes you unhappy, and makes you curse your existence everyday.
Part of me didn’t want to conform, part of me just wanted to go back to that moment before my parents found Andrea and I, my utopia. But the other part of me didn’t want to lose my family. That part was ready to do anything to get back into the good graces of my parents. That part of me was ready to leave my true happiness behind, and it was much stronger than the other part.
Looking up to my dad I grabbed his hand and nodded. “Yes, I’ll ask for forgiveness.” I muttered out, blinking through my teary eyes.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me in to his loving embrace. My mom came from behind and wrapped her arms around me, as well. My tears didn’t stop, as they held me. I didn’t know if they were supposed to or not. But what was I really crying for? Crying out of happiness for not losing my family or crying out of pain for everything I just lost?
There was a girl in my class that I was attracted to, but I didn’t know how she felt about me. I don’t even know what it was about her, but her just being around me made me want her, more and more.
She had two classes with me and always sat near the window, where she would look out of it and day dream. She had smooth chocolate skin, natural hair, a pretty smile, a toned body, and the list could go on and on. And I would sit at the desk on the opposite side of the room, so she wouldn’t notice me taking little peeks at her. It was a habit of mine; I couldn’t help that she was attractive. Think of it as me paying homage to her beauty.
During our history class is when I got to interact with her the most, since we were working on a group project together. Associate the Bill of Rights with issues that were going on today, current events. It’s the schools way of seeing if we’re retaining any of the bullshit that they are trying to spoon feed us, sad, right? But even though the project was a waste of time, I was still happy to work with Andrea.
“Jasmine, did you get the information I asked you for? We can’t be messing around on this project. You already know how much it’s worth. It’s bad enough we got stuck with these two dumb asses. So I really need you to come through for me, okay?” Andrea said.
Yeah, my name is Jasmine, and I’m attracted to girls. I’ve had this feeling for as long as I could remember, and it became certain when I had gotten my first kiss, a year ago at 13. It was with a girl from my neighborhood who enjoyed rough housing. I’ve always been the type of girl who never liked to get dirty and roll around in the mud like a tomboy, or butch in a sense.
One day she had come over after school, forgetting her keys she was locked out. We couldn’t agree on what we wanted to do, while we waited on her mother to come home so she could open the door for her. But something seemed different about her that day, like she was hiding something. It was then she confessed to me that she thought I was cute. It was flattering because it was the first time I had received a compliment, which made me smile that is.
I had received them from boys in the past, but they never seemed genuine. My mother had always told me, “Jasmine, stay away from those boys. They only wanna get you pregnant.” So with that thought in my head, I just stayed away from them and didn’t give a rats-ass to what they had to say.
Back to the girl who thought I was cute. Even though she was more boyish than anything, I thought the same thing. She was cute, in her own way. She had pretty eyes and a nice smile, almost similar to Andrea’s. The girl had looked me in my eyes and cradled my cheek in her hand, so gently. Leaning in, she kissed my lips softly. That kiss sent a surge through my spine and goose bumps sprinting down my arms and legs. Her and I never pursued a relationship, because she had came out to her parents, about liking girls, and was sent away. But after that day I’ve only liked girls, boys do nothing for me. I don’t find them attractive, I think some of them are cute, but from a friends perspective.
“I know what you mean, girl. I don’t see why the teacher grouped us with these little fucktoids. I mean, we’d be better off doing this project by ourselves. Just you and me, doesn’t that sound good?” I said in sarcastic tone, though I meant every word of it.
“Ha, ha, yeah, you right, girl. I’d be happy if it was just you and me working on this. Besides, I can’t afford to fail this class. I’m not trying to be a freshman forever. And I definitely know that these two nigga’s aint going to hold me back.”
“Amen to that.”
Andrea and I got along well enough, but those were the only times we really talked, during class. We never saw each other outside of school. I don’t even know how I would approach that.
It was hard falling for a girl, because there weren’t too many people I could talk to about this. Much like the girl I shared my first kiss with, my parents didn’t support homosexuality. They would always tell me how much they wanted grandchildren, and I was an only child. So it would be hard to pursue a relationship, with another girl. I couldn’t talk to Andrea about this, because I didn’t want her to stop talking to me. So on days I was confused I would go into the girl’s bathroom and sit in one of the stalls and just talk to myself, or I may even talk to myself in the mirror.
“Don’t worry, Jasmine. Everything is going to work out in your favor. You aren’t weird or awkward for liking girls. It’s normal, well, not technically normal, but it is normal for you, and that’s all that should matter.” I would tell myself, looking in the mirror, fixing my hair and make-up.
Everyday I would go home and go through the same routine: grab a snack, do the chores, do my homework, help mom with dinner, listen to Bible study with dad, finish up any homework I didn’t finish earlier, and go to bed.
But it was during my sleep when everything started to get – hot and steamy. My dreams normally told me a lot about myself. But sometimes they made me feel – naughty, and I didn’t enjoy having these dreams…well sometimes I didn’t. But that particular night I had a dream about Andrea. She and I were sitting on a bed, gazing into each others eyes. She cradled my cheek like the girl who first kissed me did, and she took the same action. Her lips touched mine, but instead of us stopping there, we continued. My hand pressed to her cheek as well, as we started to lie down. Our clothes started to come off and I was feeling pleasures that I never imagined before.
Andrea was touching all the right spots and kissing me in places that I could, literally, only dream about. And as she did I was calling out her name, “Andrea, Andrea, Andrea!” I would scream out.
I woke up out of my dream, and as my eyes opened I saw that my dad had me in his arms with a look of worry on his face.
“Jasmine, are you alright? You were screaming someone’s name, Andrea, I think it was. Is everything fine? Was it a bad dream?” My dad questioned.
“Yeah, just a bad dream is all. I saw something bad happening to my friend Andrea and I wanted it to stop, so I was calling out her name over and over, hoping that it would bring an end to it.”
My father pulled me into a hug and stroked the back of head, consoling me. I was happy that the lights were off and my blanket was above my waist, because what I hadn’t noticed before was that my hand was down my pajama pants, in between my legs.
The next day at school I was in history, doing my usual stare at Andrea. While I did, I was thinking about the dream I had the other night. The feeling of how vivid and how real it felt was insane. It felt like she and I were really making love to each other. But, even if something like that were to happen, I wouldn’t know the first thing to do.
In Family Life Education they teach you about how boys and girls do it, but they say nothing about how two girls are supposed to do it. I supposed it wouldn’t be too natural for them to go into too much depth about it.
It wasn’t until the teacher told us to break off into our groups that I really started to pay attention.
“You got the info?” Andrea asked me.
“Yeah, it’s right here.” I said, as I reached into my backpack and pulled out papers that pertained to our project.
A big smile came on her face. Part of me wanted to smile back, but the other just wanted to kiss her soft, sexy, smooth lips. That was the part of my dream that I enjoyed the most, whenever we kissed I just got that rush throughout my body.
The other two boys were fucking around and not getting any work done, while Andrea and I were trying to put everything together. I was reaching for a pencil, but she was reaching for the same one, then our hands touched. Her skin felt so pure and soft, like she had just applied lotion to it. It felt warm, and that warmth seemed to travel through my arm and into my chest. I could feel something as our hands touched. I had wanted so much just to hold her hand, but she moved it away and apologized.
But as she did I caught a quick glimpse of her face, she seemed shy. I also could see a slight grin start to form from her lips. Seeing that made my heart jump, maybe she was feeling the same thing I was.
“Awww, look at the two budding lesbians,” said one of the boys who was in our group. He and his friend started to snicker at us, little bastards.
They both were punching each other in the arms, some ritual that guys seemed to do when they thought something was funny to them. Andrea and I found little-to-no amusement from it, and Andrea let them know.
“Nigga, don’t be mad cuz you can’t land a girl like this and I can. Sorry ass, nigga.” Andrea said, as she motioned to me and kissed my cheek.
“Oh, girl, I know you just didn’t say some shit like that to me.”
“And what if I did, little man? Shit, I heard your girl talking bout you. I won’t repeat it, I’m not trying to put you on blast, but how bout you do your work of the project and leave us the fuck alone – Mr. Little Dick.” She had said the last couple of words in a hushed toned, not wanting to embarrass the boy in front of the entire class.
He and his friend had got up and left, leaving Andrea and I by ourselves. She looked back at me and raised her hand, like she had wanted a high five. So I gave her one, and once again when our palms had touched, my heart jumped again. Retracting my arm quickly, I sat back and looked over the information I had gotten for the project. Andrea had done the same.
Class was over and the students started herding towards the door. I was trying to leave until Andrea stopped me.
“Hey, Jasmine, wait up for a second, will you?”
I had waited for her outside the classroom. Leaning against the wall, I started to think about the entire period of class. Every gestured made, to the boys taking their jokes a little too far. Our hands touching had affected me the most, because of what it had felt like. I had hoped in the deepest parts of my heart that Andrea had felt the same way. A warm feeling that someone would get from hugging their mother, after they haven’t seen her in a year and everything just feels together.
Andrea had come out and we had started walking towards the lockers. I couldn’t help but notice her figure, shapely. Her figure was perfect, toned and sexy. The curves were in all the right places, with her clothes hugging her tightly and draping down smoothly, with no piece of fabric being sucked into fat creases, like how some girls had fashioned.
Andrea never had any trouble getting a guy to notice her, they’d always swoon. But she never dated much, I may have seen her with one guy this entire year, but they didn’t last too long. All I know is, after her and her ex broke up he went to go date the school slut, see how far that gets him.
“So, what’s up, Andrea?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Nothing, really, but – do you want to go to a party this weekend?”
She had caught me by surprise with the offer, and I really didn’t want to turn her down. It had been a while since I had been out and to a party, should be fun.
“Sure. Where is it at?”
“My place, since my family is going out of town. So we gonna partay! We got drinks coming, so I hope you ready to get drunk, girl.”
She had brushed her shoulder against me and was dancing, so I reciprocated the gesture.
“Aight, I’ll see you there, then.”
The night of the party was crazy. I had gotten dressed in a nice dress, yellow and brown. I had on my black heels and I was ready to step out, but not with the intent on bagging a guy. I hoped Andrea was going to like what I was wearing.
Getting there, the music could be heard from down the block. I saw people chilling outside, couples making out, girls grinding on guys, and goers bringing in different types of alcohol.
Inside was a fascination of colors. Andrea had picked up a multi-colored ball that flashed different colors throughout the house. The house was nice, small, but nice. It was one floor, and all the doors were locked, I guessed so no one would steal anything.
I had seen Andrea, and she looked amazing. She had on an all black dress, with some black pumps, and part of her hair was in a bun, while the rest draped down her back. Seeing her made me feel the same way I did that night of my dream. I had wanted her so badly, but a guy was talking to her. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealousy.
I walked over to her and took her by the hand, pulling her away from the guy. She told that she wasn’t even interested in him, anyway. Her and I danced, my hand wrapped around the back of her neck, while both of our pelvises shot forward. They brushed up against each other and it made me feel like seeing what was under her dress, but I had to keep my composure.
As the night continued, Andrea was drinking and socializing. I didn’t drink at all, but I talked to a few people I knew from school. I had seen a guy who had played my friend, Monica. No one really knew what happened to her, but she all of a sudden just stopped coming to school. I don’t know what this nigga was doing, but he was talking with some other girl, she’ll learn.
The party ended around 2 in the morning. I decided to help Andrea clean up; well I would be doing most of it because Andrea was a little drunk.
“Girl,” she said in a slurred voice, “that party was so fucking crazy.” Andrea had come up to me and put her arm over my shoulders. I could smell the booze on her breath, she looked cute drunk.
“Come on, Andrea, let’s get you to bed.”
“Nooooo, I don’t wanna.”
I took the arm that was over my shoulders and grabbed her wrist. I had helped her to her room and laid her down on the bed. Taking off her heels, I started to take her dress off, so she would be comfortable.
“You just wanna get me undressed, don’t you?” Andrea said loudly, as she put up a struggle for me to get her dress off.
“I just want you to be more comfortable.”
“Don’t think I haven’t seen you making kissy faces at me. I’ve seen you in class starring at me like you want my goodies. Well, guess what? I’ve wanted the same thing, too!” Her drunken words made me feel some type of way, as she placed her hands on either side of my face and kissed my lips.
I didn’t know how to react, the girl of my dreams kissing me. My entire body had gone numb and loose. The kiss was amazing, despite the lingering smell and taste of Vodka.
I had pulled away and tried to regain my composure. “Andrea, do you even know what you’re doing or saying? I mean, yes, I have been staring at you, but…okay. There is no point in hiding it. I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time, and that kiss just meant everything to me, and I know you are drunk, but I just want you to know that I think I’m in love with you.” Of course, I didn’t know how I was truly feeling, but what else could I have said. I wanted to be true to myself, and myself told me that I loved her.
“Shhhhh,” she said, putting her index finger in front of my lips. “I,” she pointed to herself, “like you,” then she pointed to me, “not just like friends, but I have dreamed about kissing you. Now kiss me again.”
I couldn’t hold back my tears, so I leaned forward and kissed her lips. Her lips felt so smooth touching mine. The warm feeling that was there anytime our hands touched had returned. Then I felt something I thought I wouldn’t have, her hands groping me. Then she and I lied down on the bed together.
The next morning she and I woke up next to each other. Something I had noticed when I sat up, all my clothes was off. I had no recollection of what had happened last night, just that I felt a tingle in between my legs. Well, let me correct myself, I knew what happened, but now it is just a blur of what was. Looking next to me, I had noticed that Andrea was still asleep. I lifted up the covers and seen that she, too, was still naked. And the only thought that was going through my head was, thank God her parents weren’t home.
She began to toss and turn, pulling the blanket with whichever was she rolled. As she was about to roll off the bed I caught her. My arms were wrapped around her waist and she began to wake up.
Andrea sat up, palm placed against her forehead, slowly moving her head back and forth. She probably had a headache, from all the drinking she did last night. The blanket fell off of her, as she sat up more, exposing her luscious breast. I couldn’t help but take a peek, but my priorities went to back her to see if she was okay.
“Are you good, Andrea? Do you want me to get you anything?” I asked her.
“What all happened last night?” She asked, as she continued to shake her head.
“Um, well, you got drunk. We kissed. And, somehow, we ended up in the bed naked with each other. Minds can only inquire as to what happened.” I said laughing a little bit. But then my light-hearted demeanor soon switched to a more serious one. “You also told me how you really felt about me…” I looked away from her, as I revealed what had happened the night before.
“Oh, wow, I said all that?”
I nodded my in agreement. I began to gather my things, and started to put my clothes back on, they were scattered across the room. The silence was brittle, but no one did anything to break it. It wasn’t until I was putting my shoes on that Andrea actually said something.
“I meant every word…” Andrea said in a low voice. “I really do like you, Jasmine. Have you ever noticed that I never really date guys like that anymore? It’s because ever since I’ve seen you, my heart feels at ease, like everything just seems right when I’m talking to you. And there were times when I saw you looking at me, but I would continue to stare out the window and just day dream about us. My only problem was I didn’t know how to tell you how I was feeling. Of course, I would have to be drunk to tell you my true feelings.”
My heart had stopped. Everything that I had once dreamed about was coming true. The feelings that were wrapped around my heart, finally started to loosen. I had real feelings about Andrea, and I wasn’t about to let this opportunity pass me by.
But even though I was sure I knew what I wanted to do, my parents feelings still scared me to no end. My parents were avid church goers, and didn’t believe in homosexual relationships. They felt they were morally wrong, and anybody who was in them was bad people. I was afraid that if they had ever figured out they would send me away like my first kisses parents did to her.
It was the last thing that I needed to worry about. Andrea and I decided to keep our relationship under wraps, rather than exclusive.
In school we acted like the best of friends, but after it, she and I had a relationship that some people could only dream about. We were happy, and we continued on like everything was as normal as could be.
“Jasmine, I’m glad you and I are together,” she said to me.
“I know, Andrea, I’m happy to. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. There really aren’t too many girls out there who are accustomed to this sort of lifestyle. So I feel fortunate, that I was able to find someone like you.”
She leaned in and kissed my lips gently. She and I were at my place, one day after school. My parents weren’t due home for hours, so she and I took advantage of the time we had by ourselves. She had closed the door, and my clothes had started to come off. Once our lips had touched, I had gone in to ecstasy.
We had lost track of time, as Andrea laid her head on my bosom. I had brushed her hair out of the way of her face and kissed her forehead. Her body felt so warm against mine, as my hand softly stroked her arm. I could feel her toes tickle my leg, reacting to how I was touching her arm.
The sun shone in through my window and the bright rays warmed me up. My room was silent, and it felt right because I had rarely gotten the chance for peace and tranquility. It was like my own personal utopia, with every that I could have ever imagined in my room.
I had had everything that I wanted: peace, silence, the girl that I was falling for. Everything was perfect, despite having to hide the truth from my parents. But at this point it was a minor detail.
I looked down at Andrea, and noticed how adorable her face was. Her nose wrinkled as the hairs that draped down her face tickled it. Her eyes kept closing harder, as if she didn’t want to see something so bad, but I didn’t know why, because I had wanted to see her pretty brown eyes so badly.
As I admired her cute features, I could hear the handle to my door turning. Shooting up, I tried to wake Andrea up, but it was too late. Both of my parents stood there, bewilderment and shock covered their faces, witnessing their daughter naked and in bed with another girl.
“What the fuck!” my dad screamed out.
“Girl, put on your damn clothes, right now!” screamed my mom.
Ever since that day, Andrea hadn’t talked to me too much. My parents had told hers what they had discovered, and they felt that Andrea didn’t need to be around me anymore. The hardest part about it was how Andrea took it. She didn’t seem to care, or at least that’s how she came off. It was at school when Andrea explained to me what was happening.
“Jasmine, we can’t be together. I don’t even know what I was thinking…” she said in a low, almost sarcastic voice, “I’m a girl, I’m supposed to like guys, not girls. This was only something I wanted to experiment with, but you became too in to it.
“I’m sorry, Jasmine, but I just don’t like you like that. Please, don’t talk me anymore, don’t call me, and don’t come around my place. As far as you are concerned, I am just another girl in school, who likes guys. I’m not gay, you are. I’m normal, and my parents say that they’ll forget all this happened, and they’ll forgive me, if I stay away from you.
“At first I thought they were acting stupid, but then I really started to think about it. The Bible frowns upon homosexuality, and I don’t want to go to hell. And if you don’t want to go to hell, then you might want to get over this entire lesbian phase.”
Every word she spoke, she seemed to choke out. It was almost as if it was hard for her to say each word, and that even she didn’t believe everything she was saying. But even though I believed that, every word was still the equivalent to a knife slowly piercing its way into my heart.
After she was done speaking, she turned her back to me and walked away. There was nothing I could say to her that could change her mind, so what would be the point? But I knew who I was, and I knew what I liked, girls, and I was going to continue on with that lifestyle. I didn’t care what the Bible said, because the Bible doesn’t predict my happiness. The Bible doesn’t give me directions on what I should do if faced with a situation like this one. The Bible can’t penalize me, because of the way that I was born. But, it still did. Because of those words and peoples beliefs, some people won’t accept me for being me.
When I had gotten home, my family still didn’t talk to me much. But I still did my daily routine: grab a snack, do the chores, do my homework, help mom with dinner, listen to Bible study with dad, finish up any homework I didn’t finish earlier, and go to bed. But I noticed when I was helping my mom out with dinner, tears dropped down her cheek.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I asked, in hopes that I could help.
“My daughter is a fucking LESBIAN!” she shouted right in my face.
The word she yelled at me made me start to cry. Her words ripped through me like paper going into a shredder. I didn’t know what to say, or how to react. I didn’t want to see my mom cry, but I was the reason to why she was crying.
“Mom, why can’t you be happy that I’m happy,” I cried out.
“Why would I be happy that my daughter likes other girls and wants to go against the teachings of the Bible? How the hell am I supposed to have grandchildren now! You’re living in sin, Jasmine, sin!”
My dad ran into the kitchen, because of all the screaming. I tried to run to him for comfort, but he pushed me off of him. My face was hurting and I couldn’t keep it straight from all the crying I was doing. I looked in both of my parents eyes and could the disappointment and pain on their faces. Their pain reflected my own, as my mom found the comfort I was looking for in my dad.
I wanted to join them but I felt they would only push me away. I felt my legs start to go weak, and eventually they gave out and I began to topple to the floor. Trying to grab the counter for leverage was to no avail, because my fingers had slipped. As I lay crippled on the floor, I began to hit the ground to release all of my pain and anger. I kept hitting the ground until I couldn’t anymore; my dad had grabbed my hand. Looking up at him, trying to look past the pain, I saw how angry he truly was. The disappointment in his eyes was so tangible, as if he was looking at his biggest regret.
“Stop all that nonsense hitting. The neighbors are going think that we beat you or something. Look, the last thing I would want is to disown you as my daughter. But I can’t generally be proud to have a gay as a daughter. You are a shame to this family. Now, we could look past all of this if you leave that life behind and ask God for forgiveness. We’d be glad to forgive you, as well. And we will never have to remember this moment of ignorance. If not, then I can’t allow you to live under our roof anymore.” My dad said, extending his arm out to me.
They wanted me to forget who I was, what made me happy. They wanted me to ask for forgiveness for something that I didn’t feel sorry about. Is this how forgiveness worked? Is this how life is supposed to be? Conforming to a way that makes you unhappy, and makes you curse your existence everyday.
Part of me didn’t want to conform, part of me just wanted to go back to that moment before my parents found Andrea and I, my utopia. But the other part of me didn’t want to lose my family. That part was ready to do anything to get back into the good graces of my parents. That part of me was ready to leave my true happiness behind, and it was much stronger than the other part.
Looking up to my dad I grabbed his hand and nodded. “Yes, I’ll ask for forgiveness.” I muttered out, blinking through my teary eyes.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me in to his loving embrace. My mom came from behind and wrapped her arms around me, as well. My tears didn’t stop, as they held me. I didn’t know if they were supposed to or not. But what was I really crying for? Crying out of happiness for not losing my family or crying out of pain for everything I just lost?
Cheat
Cheat
I was in a relationship. This girl was bad, and when I say “bad” I mean she was bad. She had long black hair, perky tits, manicured finger and toenails, and an ass that would make a donkey jealous. Yeah, I had sex with her. Actually, I had sex with her a lot, every time better than the last. She was the type of girl who sent chills throughout your whole body, like every time you saw her you were at the point of climaxing, it was amazing. But have you ever noticed that relationships always turn sour – when the female wants commitment. Every girl commitment this and commitment that, it’s all just so damn tedious and I’m young and I don’t want to have to handle that.
I’m still in high school and every girl there is ready to be deflowered. I feel like some sort of gardener. Some girls just threw themselves at me; others took a little more effort. But in the end I always had sex with them, and there was no emotion attached to them. I guess I should feel bad about taking girls virginity, I always heard that was special. Oh well, if they’re stupid enough to give it up, then I’m smart enough to take it from them.
Where was I anyways? Oh, yeah, I was in a relationship. Her name was Monica, she was short, had dark skin, and everything. She said she was attracted to my light skin and that my eyes mesmerized her. I told her that she was the type of beauty I had never seen before. I didn’t mean it, but she believed everything I told her.
“Damn girl, you is so damn beautiful,” I would tell her.
“Shoot, who you tellin’? I know I’m fly,” She would respond.
She came from a run down family; I guess I could’ve taken that into consideration. But I didn’t, I only had one thing on my mind, and that was how long it was going to take to get it from her. So I’d just spoon feed her a bunch of lies, and she ate it and she swallowed it. Yes, pun intended. Her parents had filed for divorced when she was 11, and she had lived with her mother in an apartment in the bad part of town. She always came to school dressed nicely, though. Shoes always looked new, some designer shirts and jeans, and her hair always looked done. But that wasn’t her most outstanding feature, because old girl could suck a mean dick. Some guys had spoken about it and I had to see if it was true or not, though she always told me that she never sucked dick like that. God knows that the proof was in the pudding and I enjoyed every minute of it.
She asked me if we ever were going to be anything more than friends. Of course, I didn’t want the sex to stop, so I just told her another lie.
“Sure, girl, you can be mine.” I would lie to her right through my teeth.
“Oh, thank you, baby.” She’d wrap her arms around my neck and kissed me.
So we were going for about a month, and I filled her head with a different lie every day. Every night we would talk, she always used her mom’s cell phone since she didn’t have one of her own. Man, that girl was kinky because every night she would tell me what she was wearing and how she wanted to do things to me. Like things that you wouldn’t even tell your friends. She was really nasty.
“Oh, really, now? Trust, girl, if you’s talkin’ like dat den you only lookin’ fo trouble den.” I would tell her.
“Yeah, boy, I’m tryin to make you experience things you aint neva had befo.’” She said in a voice of seduction.
“Well, when you plannin’ on doin all dis’?”
“Next time I see you, sexy.”
Yeah, she was a real freak. But to me she was only jump off. A jump off was the type of girl you didn’t marry, but to just have sex with, in other words a hoe. To her I was everything, possibly she saw me as a way to get out of poverty. She was looking for a husband and I knew I was too young just to be committed to one female. I had guessed she was looking for a good guy, since her dad wasn’t shit. There were so many pretty girls out there, and I feel that it wouldn’t be fair to limit myself to one jump off, when there are close to a million. Well, maybe not a million, but there sure as hell were a lot of them.
There were even times I could hear her moaning on the phone. I had guessed that she was masturbating, or something. But all I knew was that this girl was sprung. I was sprung, but in a different way. I only had one thing on my mind. And nothing was going to stop me from getting it.
At the same time there was this other girl, Kayla, who was feeling me as well. Her ass wasn’t as fat as Monica’s, but it was a good size. Her hair came down to about her shoulders, and it was bleached blonde. This girl had had her ears pierced five times each, as well as her nose, naval, and tongue. And I heard that she went down. See, I was notorious for getting an extra taste every now and then. Shit, I had figured what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, but they all eventually found out in the end. But, hey, I’d be long gone whenever that time came and good riddance.
Monica and I were going out for about five months; all the while I had sex with Kayla, too. I couldn’t pick who gave the best blow job, or had better sex because they each put their own personal spins on it. It was easy to cheat since Kayla went to a different school, and I would normally see her after I was done with Monica. Damn, whenever I got to her place nobody would ever be home. Thank God both her parents worked late hours, because I’d stay late and a lot happened when I stayed late. Even when I told her it was time for me to go she’d always wanted to go another round. Who was I to deny her something she wanted? I’d make sure to keep my cell off, just in case Monica tried calling. I was feeling both of them, but to me they were only jump offs.
This all continued for a couple of months, and during those months I picked up a couple more jump offs. It wasn’t that hard to keep track of all them, since they all trusted me and didn’t ask too many questions. My luck must’ve been great, to sex up all those girls and not catch anything from it. Some of them didn’t care that I had a girlfriend, or that I was sleeping with other girls because they were in it for the same reason as me, to relieve some sexual tension. Whether she was dark skin, light skin, mixed, Spanish, Asian, it didn’t matter because each one gave it real good.
Monica and I had started arguing more often; well, they were more staged, I would start them most of the time or I said something out the way to make her start, because I was getting sick of being with her. After a few months of sex with her it just kind of lost all luster. It was the same moaning, same sexual faces, and the same ass. It was only a matter of time before I’d cut the rest jump offs loose and start my game all over again.
“What you mean you don’t wanna be wit me no mo, nigga!” Monica exclaimed.
“Naw, ya ass is getting’ too clingy, I need my space.”
“Da fuck you mean clingy! Nigga, I givin you dat kind of pussy dat no otha bitch could give.”
“Hahaha, yeah right, hoe, I been getting it in wit otha bitches and they was all betta den you.”
“Fuck you, nigga! Wit ya triflin ass! Yo dick wasn’t even dat good anyways.”
“Wateva, bitch. If dat were da case you wouldn’t have kept fuckin’ me.”
That was the last time I heard from Monica. She never did come back to school after that day, rumors spread that she moved away or that she went to an all girl’s school. But it didn’t matter to me; there were no feelings left behind, anyway, at least not on my part. Besides girls like her come a dime a dozen.
My parents hadn’t been married when I was born, and every time it was dad’s turn to take me in, he’d always bring home a different girl. It spoke to me, and I looked up to my dad as a role model, so why not flatter him and mimic his moves. He knew exactly what to say to a girl to get her to drop her pants. The quickest I had ever seen him work was when he met a girl at a restaurant we were eating at. He talked her up for about a minute and he told me to go off somewhere. I didn’t go anywhere. I followed him and that girl back to his place. Peeking around the corner I saw her go inside, and minutes later I heard her screaming. Even more amazing was that she had a ring on her finger, not just for show but a wedding ring. Guess her husband wasn’t getting it in as good as he thought. But ever since then I had thought to mimic his actions and try and sleep with as many girls as possible, the cheating part was just something I added for excitement.
It was April, the weather was getting warmer and the clothes the girls had been wearing had gotten tighter and more revealing. I remember seeing this one jump off in my class, her ass was so fat so I gave her the eye. Minutes later she went to the bathroom and before she left the room she gave me the sign. I got up and followed her into the bathroom and we went into one of the stalls, lets just say it got pretty heated in there and she went back to class a happy girl. I never saw any of this as me doing wrong; I was just giving these females exactly what they wanted, without any strings attached. I kept the same process, the same pace, and sometimes leaving a trail of tears in my path. But that’s the consequence of wanting to be in a relationship, you never know what’s going to happen.
In May, we received a transfer student in one of my classes. She was gorgeous, more than any other girl I had ever encountered. She had light skin and light brown eyes. Her books were wrapped in her arms like she was hugging them and she was dressed more conservative than the others. Capri shorts and a form fitting short sleeve tee-shirt was all she wore. You couldn’t even get a glimpse of what kind of panties she was wearing if she bent over. Her ass was nothing special, but it would do and her tits looked at about a B cup, again nothing too special. My eyes were more focused on her face. That flawless skin, that short brown hair, she even had a cute voice to boot.
“Why don’t you introduce yourself to the class?” The teacher said.
“My name is Kristen.”
Damn, that voice could make any guy melt. If her normal speaking voice could do that I wonder what her moaning voice would be like. I bet she could make dudes bust real quick if she called out their names in a whisper. This made me very excited, a new girl, new opportunities, and possibly a new experience for her. She took her seat next to me, and with confidence I engaged in conversation with her.
“Ey, girl how you doin’?” I asked.
“I’m fine, and what about you?” She said fluently with no signs of slang anywhere.
She was one of the first girls I had shown interest in that spoke properly, almost like she was white. Even though Ebonics was more my speed, her proper dialect turned me on. She was more educated than any other girl I had run into, this might be harder than I thought. She might actually think something of herself, thus the invisible force field won’t be let down so easily.
“It’s all good ova here. So, where you come from?” I asked her.
“My family just moved here from Colorado.” She answered nicely.
“Damn, dats a ways away. So what brought ya fam ova here?”
“Well, my dad got laid off, and we couldn’t afford our house anymore, so we had to move to a more urban area.”
Normally, a sob story like that wouldn’t affect me, but I couldn’t help but feel a little sympathy for her. But I was sure those feelings would go away soon enough – after I had sex with her. Months past, and within that time I was able to get her phone number, I had been to her place a couple times, I even met her family. Normally, I wouldn’t get this involved with a girl. But something was different about her; I actually felt a connection between her and me. She didn’t always feel the need to be conceited, she was more humble than anything and I liked that. The way she spoke turned me on, and I don’t know why, but I felt more pulled in after every word. We had conversations that weren’t solely circled around sex. She told me about her life and how she went from riches to rags. Some douche bag had turned snake on her dad and made him lose his job. Since little money coming in, they had to move to an area like this just to make ends meet. And someone would only come here if they were all out of options.
“It’s hard, but we are surviving.” And even through all the shit life has handed her, she still managed to smile. Hell, I never smiled here, only because there was nothing to smile about. But she had a pretty smile, so I’m glad she smiled during bleak situations. She wasn’t like most upper-class girls; she didn’t rely on material objects and possessions. She didn’t care if she didn’t have the nicest phone, or the newest clothes, or the sexiest lingerie. There was something genuine about her.
She made my heart stop at times and it would hurt whenever I wasn’t around her. I didn’t have the courage anymore to do the things I had done to previous girls. Even I found it crazy that her conservative lifestyle actually turned me out. I had become so use to jump offs I had forgotten what a real chick was all about it. It wasn’t hard to see that I had found companionship in her; she was even, real, girlfriend material. The type of girl you would even bring home to meet your mom.
“Kristen, I like you.” I told her.
“I like you to.” She responded.
“No, I really like you.”
“Are you trying to ask me something?”
“Yeah, I want you to be my girl.”
That’s all I said to her, and all she did was smile and nod her head at me. It was the first time I was actually happy to have a girlfriend. She wasn’t even easy; we had dated for over a month and didn’t have sex. I respected that about her, whenever we were in her room, by ourselves, I didn’t even lay on her bed. All we ever did was kiss, not tongue kissing, just kiss. That was all I needed. It was weird what was going on with me to make me only want this. Even bad jump offs on the street didn’t even catch my eye. And I’d seen one with her thong showing from the top of her jeans. Big tits looking like she had two cantaloupes in her shirt, she even tried to holler at me.
“Ey, daddy, how you doin?” she asked.
“I’m good, ya know chillin’” I responded.
“You tryin ta do something lata?”
“Naw, I’m good.”
Was that all girls wanted. I don’t know why I had believed relationships were overrated. It was nice knowing that there was someone out there who constantly cared about you. I never really accepted those kinds of people in my life since they were normally fake. My parents really didn’t care too much about me, either. They were too busy with there own lives. I never really experienced true compassion from the opposite sex. All I had ever done was just manipulate them to have sex with me. Thinking back on it all, I sort of felt bad for doing it to them. Sometimes, I’d even worry that I’ll revert back to my old ways and even cheat on this girl. Hopefully, my love will overpower my lust, and I can stay true to her.
Our relationship continued with little strain. We’d talk every night on the phone; there was never a boring conversation.
The new school year had started. And we’d see each other during the day. I could tell the jumps offs I had done wrong were pissed to see me holding hands with a girl in the hallway. In the past I never held hands I just told the jump off to stay close to me, or that I was too much of a man to hold hands. They all gave her a stank expression, they were just jealous of her status with me. I’d kiss her before I left her and kiss her when I’d see her, and even old jump offs tried to get me back to my mischievous ways. One girl tried the same bathroom tactic as that other girl did, but it didn’t make me budge. I was too committed to this girl to ever do her wrong.
I had never been known to be the jealous type, but when I saw another guy trying to flirt with her I stepped in and made it known that she was taken. The whole school eventually knew that she was taken, but that didn’t matter since guys still tried to persuade her. I could trust that she would make the right decision and turn any guy down because she knew she had a keeper. This was the happiest I had ever been.
Months passed in the relationship and things started to change up a bit. We still weren’t having sex, but that didn’t bother me. Sometimes she wouldn’t answer her phone when I called, I would call her about four times before I gave up and went to bed. I had just assumed that her parents didn’t want her life to revolve around me, which I understood. In school I would see her less, and when I did see her I’d only get a kiss on the cheek. I couldn’t tell if she was getting embarrassed by our relationship or not. Her reasons for her actions still baffled me, but we were still together so I couldn’t complain much. For the most part we stayed happy, and when we did talk on the phone we would go on and on all night.
“So where were you at today?” She said in her cute voice.
“I could ask you the same thing; I barely got to see you today.” Just being around her improved my grammar.
“Oh, I’m sorry, baby. I take a new way to my classes, it’s shorter.”
“So you gonna fill me in on it, or what?”
“I’ll tell you about it tomorrow in class.”
“Kristen…”
“Yeah, baby?”
“I love you.”
“Awwww, I love you too, night.”
I had finally said it, and actually meant it. Any doubts in my head and in my heart had faded. I had this girl for life now. I had always believed that those words bound to you to the person you said them to for life. Those words were never meant to be used loosely, and only for those who were special. And the fact knowing she said it back must’ve been because she felt the same way. There was no doubt in my mind that she was going to go through life with me. I wasn’t worried about cheating on her anymore, because I had finally found a good girl.
At school I had noticed that people had started whispering anytime I passed them. Probably still gossiping about me actually having a steady girlfriend, guess it’s not an easy thing to accept when you have a reputation of fucking girls then leaving them.
I had gone through the whole day and barely got to see my girlfriend. We barely exchanged words in class, I hope the “I love you” didn’t freak her out or anything.
“Kristen?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah?” She responded in a voice that sounded annoyed.
“What’s wrong with you, why ain’t you saying anything to me?”
“I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind is all.”
“Like what?”
“I’ll tell you about it later, I just have a problem that I need to solve.”
I had guessed it was her family again, so I wasn’t going to pry into it. Class had ended and we went our separate ways. I thought about surprising her so I went to the local grocery store after school, and bought her a couple of flowers. I had spent my last couple of dollars on them. Heading over to her place I sang a song of joy and there was even a skip in my step, I sort of felt homo doing that. Maybe this is what love felt like.
Getting to her building I went up to her floor. The door to her apartment was cracked open, so I decided to enter and peak my head inside. Her parents didn’t seem to be home, yet. But I heard a strange noise, like springs bouncing. Walking deeper into the complex I saw that a door was open and two people were in there. And with my own eyes I saw a guy and my girlfriend in a bed, which looked to be her parents. They were fucking. I had recognized the guy as Dante, a guy who had tried getting at Kristen times before. My heart shattered, the flowers fell out of my hands, and I left without saying anything. I had only talked to Kristen one more time after that day and that was to break up with her.
“Ey.” I greeted in a low voice
“Oh, hey baby, what’s up?” She said cheerfully.
“I came over today.”
“Oh…well I’m guessing you saw me with Dante?”
“So why’d you do it?”
“Look, I have a confession to make.”
“I don’t wanna hear a fuckin’ confession, just tell me why!”
“First things first, nigga, don’t raise your voice to me!” her dialect had changed, “two it serves ya ass right.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!”
“You know a girl named Monica.”
As soon as she said that name, the girl that I was dating last year flashed through my head.
“Yeah, what’s that bitch got to do with anything?”
“Well dat so called ‘bitch’ was my cousin, nigga.”
Karma had just hit me real hard. The thought of the girl of my dreams being related to a girl I had had a relationship with previously. My heart stopped and I couldn’t say anything.
“You did her wrong, and she committed suicide. You prolly wonderin how I know, because she left a note sayin’ that she’ll still love you even in death. You’s a triflin’ ass nigga. I bet you didn’t even know dat did you? Cuz ya ass too busy fuckin’ bitches. Serves ya ass right ta get cheated on. Yeah, I had known who you were and I had transferred schools just so I could do all dis. You need to know what it’s like to have a shattered heart like hers!”
“...” I couldn’t respond; my own perception had just been flipped around.
“Dats right, I was only keepin’ you around because I wanted you to see me fuck dat nigga, I didn’t feel bad for you really, sayin’ how you loved me and everything. My fuckin’ cousin said dat to you, but you didn’t give a shit cuz you still fucked around.”
I wasn’t going to try to understand her logic behind it. You can’t hide emotions and if you do you end up getting hurt from it. I knew that I loved her, but I wasn’t going to put my neck on the line again, not to go through that. But it couldn’t help but remind me of myself.
I had hung up on her after that. I wonder if that’s how the jump offs felt when I did them like that. It hurt a hell of a lot, but I didn’t cry since no bitch was worth tears. I felt like I became what those other girls were to me; I was just a nigga she wanted to get revenge on. It’s ironic isn’t? That I would treat all these girls like this and I finally find a good one and she wasn’t anything but a bitch looking for revenge.
We don’t make eye contact with one another whenever we pass each other in the halls. We act as if neither of us exists to one another.
I went back to my old ways and fucked every jump off who came my way, and never got into a relationship again. But I would always see Kristen’s face on whatever girl I was fucking at the time. My heart never mended and no amount of jump offs could ever fix it. No girl could say she loved me, because I never wanted it. No girl could say she cared about me, because I didn’t care about them. And no girl could ever cheat on me, because I didn’t give them the chance to. Not after the first girl I fell in love with, no one would ever have the chance to do me like that again.
I was in a relationship. This girl was bad, and when I say “bad” I mean she was bad. She had long black hair, perky tits, manicured finger and toenails, and an ass that would make a donkey jealous. Yeah, I had sex with her. Actually, I had sex with her a lot, every time better than the last. She was the type of girl who sent chills throughout your whole body, like every time you saw her you were at the point of climaxing, it was amazing. But have you ever noticed that relationships always turn sour – when the female wants commitment. Every girl commitment this and commitment that, it’s all just so damn tedious and I’m young and I don’t want to have to handle that.
I’m still in high school and every girl there is ready to be deflowered. I feel like some sort of gardener. Some girls just threw themselves at me; others took a little more effort. But in the end I always had sex with them, and there was no emotion attached to them. I guess I should feel bad about taking girls virginity, I always heard that was special. Oh well, if they’re stupid enough to give it up, then I’m smart enough to take it from them.
Where was I anyways? Oh, yeah, I was in a relationship. Her name was Monica, she was short, had dark skin, and everything. She said she was attracted to my light skin and that my eyes mesmerized her. I told her that she was the type of beauty I had never seen before. I didn’t mean it, but she believed everything I told her.
“Damn girl, you is so damn beautiful,” I would tell her.
“Shoot, who you tellin’? I know I’m fly,” She would respond.
She came from a run down family; I guess I could’ve taken that into consideration. But I didn’t, I only had one thing on my mind, and that was how long it was going to take to get it from her. So I’d just spoon feed her a bunch of lies, and she ate it and she swallowed it. Yes, pun intended. Her parents had filed for divorced when she was 11, and she had lived with her mother in an apartment in the bad part of town. She always came to school dressed nicely, though. Shoes always looked new, some designer shirts and jeans, and her hair always looked done. But that wasn’t her most outstanding feature, because old girl could suck a mean dick. Some guys had spoken about it and I had to see if it was true or not, though she always told me that she never sucked dick like that. God knows that the proof was in the pudding and I enjoyed every minute of it.
She asked me if we ever were going to be anything more than friends. Of course, I didn’t want the sex to stop, so I just told her another lie.
“Sure, girl, you can be mine.” I would lie to her right through my teeth.
“Oh, thank you, baby.” She’d wrap her arms around my neck and kissed me.
So we were going for about a month, and I filled her head with a different lie every day. Every night we would talk, she always used her mom’s cell phone since she didn’t have one of her own. Man, that girl was kinky because every night she would tell me what she was wearing and how she wanted to do things to me. Like things that you wouldn’t even tell your friends. She was really nasty.
“Oh, really, now? Trust, girl, if you’s talkin’ like dat den you only lookin’ fo trouble den.” I would tell her.
“Yeah, boy, I’m tryin to make you experience things you aint neva had befo.’” She said in a voice of seduction.
“Well, when you plannin’ on doin all dis’?”
“Next time I see you, sexy.”
Yeah, she was a real freak. But to me she was only jump off. A jump off was the type of girl you didn’t marry, but to just have sex with, in other words a hoe. To her I was everything, possibly she saw me as a way to get out of poverty. She was looking for a husband and I knew I was too young just to be committed to one female. I had guessed she was looking for a good guy, since her dad wasn’t shit. There were so many pretty girls out there, and I feel that it wouldn’t be fair to limit myself to one jump off, when there are close to a million. Well, maybe not a million, but there sure as hell were a lot of them.
There were even times I could hear her moaning on the phone. I had guessed that she was masturbating, or something. But all I knew was that this girl was sprung. I was sprung, but in a different way. I only had one thing on my mind. And nothing was going to stop me from getting it.
At the same time there was this other girl, Kayla, who was feeling me as well. Her ass wasn’t as fat as Monica’s, but it was a good size. Her hair came down to about her shoulders, and it was bleached blonde. This girl had had her ears pierced five times each, as well as her nose, naval, and tongue. And I heard that she went down. See, I was notorious for getting an extra taste every now and then. Shit, I had figured what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her, but they all eventually found out in the end. But, hey, I’d be long gone whenever that time came and good riddance.
Monica and I were going out for about five months; all the while I had sex with Kayla, too. I couldn’t pick who gave the best blow job, or had better sex because they each put their own personal spins on it. It was easy to cheat since Kayla went to a different school, and I would normally see her after I was done with Monica. Damn, whenever I got to her place nobody would ever be home. Thank God both her parents worked late hours, because I’d stay late and a lot happened when I stayed late. Even when I told her it was time for me to go she’d always wanted to go another round. Who was I to deny her something she wanted? I’d make sure to keep my cell off, just in case Monica tried calling. I was feeling both of them, but to me they were only jump offs.
This all continued for a couple of months, and during those months I picked up a couple more jump offs. It wasn’t that hard to keep track of all them, since they all trusted me and didn’t ask too many questions. My luck must’ve been great, to sex up all those girls and not catch anything from it. Some of them didn’t care that I had a girlfriend, or that I was sleeping with other girls because they were in it for the same reason as me, to relieve some sexual tension. Whether she was dark skin, light skin, mixed, Spanish, Asian, it didn’t matter because each one gave it real good.
Monica and I had started arguing more often; well, they were more staged, I would start them most of the time or I said something out the way to make her start, because I was getting sick of being with her. After a few months of sex with her it just kind of lost all luster. It was the same moaning, same sexual faces, and the same ass. It was only a matter of time before I’d cut the rest jump offs loose and start my game all over again.
“What you mean you don’t wanna be wit me no mo, nigga!” Monica exclaimed.
“Naw, ya ass is getting’ too clingy, I need my space.”
“Da fuck you mean clingy! Nigga, I givin you dat kind of pussy dat no otha bitch could give.”
“Hahaha, yeah right, hoe, I been getting it in wit otha bitches and they was all betta den you.”
“Fuck you, nigga! Wit ya triflin ass! Yo dick wasn’t even dat good anyways.”
“Wateva, bitch. If dat were da case you wouldn’t have kept fuckin’ me.”
That was the last time I heard from Monica. She never did come back to school after that day, rumors spread that she moved away or that she went to an all girl’s school. But it didn’t matter to me; there were no feelings left behind, anyway, at least not on my part. Besides girls like her come a dime a dozen.
My parents hadn’t been married when I was born, and every time it was dad’s turn to take me in, he’d always bring home a different girl. It spoke to me, and I looked up to my dad as a role model, so why not flatter him and mimic his moves. He knew exactly what to say to a girl to get her to drop her pants. The quickest I had ever seen him work was when he met a girl at a restaurant we were eating at. He talked her up for about a minute and he told me to go off somewhere. I didn’t go anywhere. I followed him and that girl back to his place. Peeking around the corner I saw her go inside, and minutes later I heard her screaming. Even more amazing was that she had a ring on her finger, not just for show but a wedding ring. Guess her husband wasn’t getting it in as good as he thought. But ever since then I had thought to mimic his actions and try and sleep with as many girls as possible, the cheating part was just something I added for excitement.
It was April, the weather was getting warmer and the clothes the girls had been wearing had gotten tighter and more revealing. I remember seeing this one jump off in my class, her ass was so fat so I gave her the eye. Minutes later she went to the bathroom and before she left the room she gave me the sign. I got up and followed her into the bathroom and we went into one of the stalls, lets just say it got pretty heated in there and she went back to class a happy girl. I never saw any of this as me doing wrong; I was just giving these females exactly what they wanted, without any strings attached. I kept the same process, the same pace, and sometimes leaving a trail of tears in my path. But that’s the consequence of wanting to be in a relationship, you never know what’s going to happen.
In May, we received a transfer student in one of my classes. She was gorgeous, more than any other girl I had ever encountered. She had light skin and light brown eyes. Her books were wrapped in her arms like she was hugging them and she was dressed more conservative than the others. Capri shorts and a form fitting short sleeve tee-shirt was all she wore. You couldn’t even get a glimpse of what kind of panties she was wearing if she bent over. Her ass was nothing special, but it would do and her tits looked at about a B cup, again nothing too special. My eyes were more focused on her face. That flawless skin, that short brown hair, she even had a cute voice to boot.
“Why don’t you introduce yourself to the class?” The teacher said.
“My name is Kristen.”
Damn, that voice could make any guy melt. If her normal speaking voice could do that I wonder what her moaning voice would be like. I bet she could make dudes bust real quick if she called out their names in a whisper. This made me very excited, a new girl, new opportunities, and possibly a new experience for her. She took her seat next to me, and with confidence I engaged in conversation with her.
“Ey, girl how you doin’?” I asked.
“I’m fine, and what about you?” She said fluently with no signs of slang anywhere.
She was one of the first girls I had shown interest in that spoke properly, almost like she was white. Even though Ebonics was more my speed, her proper dialect turned me on. She was more educated than any other girl I had run into, this might be harder than I thought. She might actually think something of herself, thus the invisible force field won’t be let down so easily.
“It’s all good ova here. So, where you come from?” I asked her.
“My family just moved here from Colorado.” She answered nicely.
“Damn, dats a ways away. So what brought ya fam ova here?”
“Well, my dad got laid off, and we couldn’t afford our house anymore, so we had to move to a more urban area.”
Normally, a sob story like that wouldn’t affect me, but I couldn’t help but feel a little sympathy for her. But I was sure those feelings would go away soon enough – after I had sex with her. Months past, and within that time I was able to get her phone number, I had been to her place a couple times, I even met her family. Normally, I wouldn’t get this involved with a girl. But something was different about her; I actually felt a connection between her and me. She didn’t always feel the need to be conceited, she was more humble than anything and I liked that. The way she spoke turned me on, and I don’t know why, but I felt more pulled in after every word. We had conversations that weren’t solely circled around sex. She told me about her life and how she went from riches to rags. Some douche bag had turned snake on her dad and made him lose his job. Since little money coming in, they had to move to an area like this just to make ends meet. And someone would only come here if they were all out of options.
“It’s hard, but we are surviving.” And even through all the shit life has handed her, she still managed to smile. Hell, I never smiled here, only because there was nothing to smile about. But she had a pretty smile, so I’m glad she smiled during bleak situations. She wasn’t like most upper-class girls; she didn’t rely on material objects and possessions. She didn’t care if she didn’t have the nicest phone, or the newest clothes, or the sexiest lingerie. There was something genuine about her.
She made my heart stop at times and it would hurt whenever I wasn’t around her. I didn’t have the courage anymore to do the things I had done to previous girls. Even I found it crazy that her conservative lifestyle actually turned me out. I had become so use to jump offs I had forgotten what a real chick was all about it. It wasn’t hard to see that I had found companionship in her; she was even, real, girlfriend material. The type of girl you would even bring home to meet your mom.
“Kristen, I like you.” I told her.
“I like you to.” She responded.
“No, I really like you.”
“Are you trying to ask me something?”
“Yeah, I want you to be my girl.”
That’s all I said to her, and all she did was smile and nod her head at me. It was the first time I was actually happy to have a girlfriend. She wasn’t even easy; we had dated for over a month and didn’t have sex. I respected that about her, whenever we were in her room, by ourselves, I didn’t even lay on her bed. All we ever did was kiss, not tongue kissing, just kiss. That was all I needed. It was weird what was going on with me to make me only want this. Even bad jump offs on the street didn’t even catch my eye. And I’d seen one with her thong showing from the top of her jeans. Big tits looking like she had two cantaloupes in her shirt, she even tried to holler at me.
“Ey, daddy, how you doin?” she asked.
“I’m good, ya know chillin’” I responded.
“You tryin ta do something lata?”
“Naw, I’m good.”
Was that all girls wanted. I don’t know why I had believed relationships were overrated. It was nice knowing that there was someone out there who constantly cared about you. I never really accepted those kinds of people in my life since they were normally fake. My parents really didn’t care too much about me, either. They were too busy with there own lives. I never really experienced true compassion from the opposite sex. All I had ever done was just manipulate them to have sex with me. Thinking back on it all, I sort of felt bad for doing it to them. Sometimes, I’d even worry that I’ll revert back to my old ways and even cheat on this girl. Hopefully, my love will overpower my lust, and I can stay true to her.
Our relationship continued with little strain. We’d talk every night on the phone; there was never a boring conversation.
The new school year had started. And we’d see each other during the day. I could tell the jumps offs I had done wrong were pissed to see me holding hands with a girl in the hallway. In the past I never held hands I just told the jump off to stay close to me, or that I was too much of a man to hold hands. They all gave her a stank expression, they were just jealous of her status with me. I’d kiss her before I left her and kiss her when I’d see her, and even old jump offs tried to get me back to my mischievous ways. One girl tried the same bathroom tactic as that other girl did, but it didn’t make me budge. I was too committed to this girl to ever do her wrong.
I had never been known to be the jealous type, but when I saw another guy trying to flirt with her I stepped in and made it known that she was taken. The whole school eventually knew that she was taken, but that didn’t matter since guys still tried to persuade her. I could trust that she would make the right decision and turn any guy down because she knew she had a keeper. This was the happiest I had ever been.
Months passed in the relationship and things started to change up a bit. We still weren’t having sex, but that didn’t bother me. Sometimes she wouldn’t answer her phone when I called, I would call her about four times before I gave up and went to bed. I had just assumed that her parents didn’t want her life to revolve around me, which I understood. In school I would see her less, and when I did see her I’d only get a kiss on the cheek. I couldn’t tell if she was getting embarrassed by our relationship or not. Her reasons for her actions still baffled me, but we were still together so I couldn’t complain much. For the most part we stayed happy, and when we did talk on the phone we would go on and on all night.
“So where were you at today?” She said in her cute voice.
“I could ask you the same thing; I barely got to see you today.” Just being around her improved my grammar.
“Oh, I’m sorry, baby. I take a new way to my classes, it’s shorter.”
“So you gonna fill me in on it, or what?”
“I’ll tell you about it tomorrow in class.”
“Kristen…”
“Yeah, baby?”
“I love you.”
“Awwww, I love you too, night.”
I had finally said it, and actually meant it. Any doubts in my head and in my heart had faded. I had this girl for life now. I had always believed that those words bound to you to the person you said them to for life. Those words were never meant to be used loosely, and only for those who were special. And the fact knowing she said it back must’ve been because she felt the same way. There was no doubt in my mind that she was going to go through life with me. I wasn’t worried about cheating on her anymore, because I had finally found a good girl.
At school I had noticed that people had started whispering anytime I passed them. Probably still gossiping about me actually having a steady girlfriend, guess it’s not an easy thing to accept when you have a reputation of fucking girls then leaving them.
I had gone through the whole day and barely got to see my girlfriend. We barely exchanged words in class, I hope the “I love you” didn’t freak her out or anything.
“Kristen?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah?” She responded in a voice that sounded annoyed.
“What’s wrong with you, why ain’t you saying anything to me?”
“I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my mind is all.”
“Like what?”
“I’ll tell you about it later, I just have a problem that I need to solve.”
I had guessed it was her family again, so I wasn’t going to pry into it. Class had ended and we went our separate ways. I thought about surprising her so I went to the local grocery store after school, and bought her a couple of flowers. I had spent my last couple of dollars on them. Heading over to her place I sang a song of joy and there was even a skip in my step, I sort of felt homo doing that. Maybe this is what love felt like.
Getting to her building I went up to her floor. The door to her apartment was cracked open, so I decided to enter and peak my head inside. Her parents didn’t seem to be home, yet. But I heard a strange noise, like springs bouncing. Walking deeper into the complex I saw that a door was open and two people were in there. And with my own eyes I saw a guy and my girlfriend in a bed, which looked to be her parents. They were fucking. I had recognized the guy as Dante, a guy who had tried getting at Kristen times before. My heart shattered, the flowers fell out of my hands, and I left without saying anything. I had only talked to Kristen one more time after that day and that was to break up with her.
“Ey.” I greeted in a low voice
“Oh, hey baby, what’s up?” She said cheerfully.
“I came over today.”
“Oh…well I’m guessing you saw me with Dante?”
“So why’d you do it?”
“Look, I have a confession to make.”
“I don’t wanna hear a fuckin’ confession, just tell me why!”
“First things first, nigga, don’t raise your voice to me!” her dialect had changed, “two it serves ya ass right.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!”
“You know a girl named Monica.”
As soon as she said that name, the girl that I was dating last year flashed through my head.
“Yeah, what’s that bitch got to do with anything?”
“Well dat so called ‘bitch’ was my cousin, nigga.”
Karma had just hit me real hard. The thought of the girl of my dreams being related to a girl I had had a relationship with previously. My heart stopped and I couldn’t say anything.
“You did her wrong, and she committed suicide. You prolly wonderin how I know, because she left a note sayin’ that she’ll still love you even in death. You’s a triflin’ ass nigga. I bet you didn’t even know dat did you? Cuz ya ass too busy fuckin’ bitches. Serves ya ass right ta get cheated on. Yeah, I had known who you were and I had transferred schools just so I could do all dis. You need to know what it’s like to have a shattered heart like hers!”
“...” I couldn’t respond; my own perception had just been flipped around.
“Dats right, I was only keepin’ you around because I wanted you to see me fuck dat nigga, I didn’t feel bad for you really, sayin’ how you loved me and everything. My fuckin’ cousin said dat to you, but you didn’t give a shit cuz you still fucked around.”
I wasn’t going to try to understand her logic behind it. You can’t hide emotions and if you do you end up getting hurt from it. I knew that I loved her, but I wasn’t going to put my neck on the line again, not to go through that. But it couldn’t help but remind me of myself.
I had hung up on her after that. I wonder if that’s how the jump offs felt when I did them like that. It hurt a hell of a lot, but I didn’t cry since no bitch was worth tears. I felt like I became what those other girls were to me; I was just a nigga she wanted to get revenge on. It’s ironic isn’t? That I would treat all these girls like this and I finally find a good one and she wasn’t anything but a bitch looking for revenge.
We don’t make eye contact with one another whenever we pass each other in the halls. We act as if neither of us exists to one another.
I went back to my old ways and fucked every jump off who came my way, and never got into a relationship again. But I would always see Kristen’s face on whatever girl I was fucking at the time. My heart never mended and no amount of jump offs could ever fix it. No girl could say she loved me, because I never wanted it. No girl could say she cared about me, because I didn’t care about them. And no girl could ever cheat on me, because I didn’t give them the chance to. Not after the first girl I fell in love with, no one would ever have the chance to do me like that again.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Gone by Shrayne Harley
There was time when I felt like I was alone. Alone in this place we call earth. My only escape was into my mind,where everything was bright and seemed divine. The days when I smile and say "hi" when the truth is I internally cry. All the pain he caused turned my happy days gray. Hoping the tears would wash away the pain. Wishing that one day he would see that I'm slowly pulling away & that our love was no longer here to stay. I'm done with hearing your "im sorry",im done with all the second chances. Baby you made it this way & I tried to warn you that this was coming...coming to an end. That spark is no longer there & for you I have no care nor would I shed another tear.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
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