So Complicated

So Complicated

There was a girl in my class that I was attracted to, but I didn’t know how she felt about me. I don’t even know what it was about her, but her just being around me made me want her, more and more.
She had two classes with me and always sat near the window, where she would look out of it and day dream. She had smooth chocolate skin, natural hair, a pretty smile, a toned body, and the list could go on and on. And I would sit at the desk on the opposite side of the room, so she wouldn’t notice me taking little peeks at her. It was a habit of mine; I couldn’t help that she was attractive. Think of it as me paying homage to her beauty.
During our history class is when I got to interact with her the most, since we were working on a group project together. Associate the Bill of Rights with issues that were going on today, current events. It’s the schools way of seeing if we’re retaining any of the bullshit that they are trying to spoon feed us, sad, right? But even though the project was a waste of time, I was still happy to work with Andrea.
“Jasmine, did you get the information I asked you for? We can’t be messing around on this project. You already know how much it’s worth. It’s bad enough we got stuck with these two dumb asses. So I really need you to come through for me, okay?” Andrea said.
Yeah, my name is Jasmine, and I’m attracted to girls. I’ve had this feeling for as long as I could remember, and it became certain when I had gotten my first kiss, a year ago at 13. It was with a girl from my neighborhood who enjoyed rough housing. I’ve always been the type of girl who never liked to get dirty and roll around in the mud like a tomboy, or butch in a sense.
One day she had come over after school, forgetting her keys she was locked out. We couldn’t agree on what we wanted to do, while we waited on her mother to come home so she could open the door for her. But something seemed different about her that day, like she was hiding something. It was then she confessed to me that she thought I was cute. It was flattering because it was the first time I had received a compliment, which made me smile that is.
I had received them from boys in the past, but they never seemed genuine. My mother had always told me, “Jasmine, stay away from those boys. They only wanna get you pregnant.” So with that thought in my head, I just stayed away from them and didn’t give a rats-ass to what they had to say.
Back to the girl who thought I was cute. Even though she was more boyish than anything, I thought the same thing. She was cute, in her own way. She had pretty eyes and a nice smile, almost similar to Andrea’s. The girl had looked me in my eyes and cradled my cheek in her hand, so gently. Leaning in, she kissed my lips softly. That kiss sent a surge through my spine and goose bumps sprinting down my arms and legs. Her and I never pursued a relationship, because she had came out to her parents, about liking girls, and was sent away. But after that day I’ve only liked girls, boys do nothing for me. I don’t find them attractive, I think some of them are cute, but from a friends perspective.
“I know what you mean, girl. I don’t see why the teacher grouped us with these little fucktoids. I mean, we’d be better off doing this project by ourselves. Just you and me, doesn’t that sound good?” I said in sarcastic tone, though I meant every word of it.
“Ha, ha, yeah, you right, girl. I’d be happy if it was just you and me working on this. Besides, I can’t afford to fail this class. I’m not trying to be a freshman forever. And I definitely know that these two nigga’s aint going to hold me back.”
“Amen to that.”
Andrea and I got along well enough, but those were the only times we really talked, during class. We never saw each other outside of school. I don’t even know how I would approach that.
It was hard falling for a girl, because there weren’t too many people I could talk to about this. Much like the girl I shared my first kiss with, my parents didn’t support homosexuality. They would always tell me how much they wanted grandchildren, and I was an only child. So it would be hard to pursue a relationship, with another girl. I couldn’t talk to Andrea about this, because I didn’t want her to stop talking to me. So on days I was confused I would go into the girl’s bathroom and sit in one of the stalls and just talk to myself, or I may even talk to myself in the mirror.
“Don’t worry, Jasmine. Everything is going to work out in your favor. You aren’t weird or awkward for liking girls. It’s normal, well, not technically normal, but it is normal for you, and that’s all that should matter.” I would tell myself, looking in the mirror, fixing my hair and make-up.
Everyday I would go home and go through the same routine: grab a snack, do the chores, do my homework, help mom with dinner, listen to Bible study with dad, finish up any homework I didn’t finish earlier, and go to bed.
But it was during my sleep when everything started to get – hot and steamy. My dreams normally told me a lot about myself. But sometimes they made me feel – naughty, and I didn’t enjoy having these dreams…well sometimes I didn’t. But that particular night I had a dream about Andrea. She and I were sitting on a bed, gazing into each others eyes. She cradled my cheek like the girl who first kissed me did, and she took the same action. Her lips touched mine, but instead of us stopping there, we continued. My hand pressed to her cheek as well, as we started to lie down. Our clothes started to come off and I was feeling pleasures that I never imagined before.
Andrea was touching all the right spots and kissing me in places that I could, literally, only dream about. And as she did I was calling out her name, “Andrea, Andrea, Andrea!” I would scream out.
I woke up out of my dream, and as my eyes opened I saw that my dad had me in his arms with a look of worry on his face.
“Jasmine, are you alright? You were screaming someone’s name, Andrea, I think it was. Is everything fine? Was it a bad dream?” My dad questioned.
“Yeah, just a bad dream is all. I saw something bad happening to my friend Andrea and I wanted it to stop, so I was calling out her name over and over, hoping that it would bring an end to it.”
My father pulled me into a hug and stroked the back of head, consoling me. I was happy that the lights were off and my blanket was above my waist, because what I hadn’t noticed before was that my hand was down my pajama pants, in between my legs.

The next day at school I was in history, doing my usual stare at Andrea. While I did, I was thinking about the dream I had the other night. The feeling of how vivid and how real it felt was insane. It felt like she and I were really making love to each other. But, even if something like that were to happen, I wouldn’t know the first thing to do.
In Family Life Education they teach you about how boys and girls do it, but they say nothing about how two girls are supposed to do it. I supposed it wouldn’t be too natural for them to go into too much depth about it.
It wasn’t until the teacher told us to break off into our groups that I really started to pay attention.
“You got the info?” Andrea asked me.
“Yeah, it’s right here.” I said, as I reached into my backpack and pulled out papers that pertained to our project.
A big smile came on her face. Part of me wanted to smile back, but the other just wanted to kiss her soft, sexy, smooth lips. That was the part of my dream that I enjoyed the most, whenever we kissed I just got that rush throughout my body.
The other two boys were fucking around and not getting any work done, while Andrea and I were trying to put everything together. I was reaching for a pencil, but she was reaching for the same one, then our hands touched. Her skin felt so pure and soft, like she had just applied lotion to it. It felt warm, and that warmth seemed to travel through my arm and into my chest. I could feel something as our hands touched. I had wanted so much just to hold her hand, but she moved it away and apologized.
But as she did I caught a quick glimpse of her face, she seemed shy. I also could see a slight grin start to form from her lips. Seeing that made my heart jump, maybe she was feeling the same thing I was.
“Awww, look at the two budding lesbians,” said one of the boys who was in our group. He and his friend started to snicker at us, little bastards.
They both were punching each other in the arms, some ritual that guys seemed to do when they thought something was funny to them. Andrea and I found little-to-no amusement from it, and Andrea let them know.
“Nigga, don’t be mad cuz you can’t land a girl like this and I can. Sorry ass, nigga.” Andrea said, as she motioned to me and kissed my cheek.
“Oh, girl, I know you just didn’t say some shit like that to me.”
“And what if I did, little man? Shit, I heard your girl talking bout you. I won’t repeat it, I’m not trying to put you on blast, but how bout you do your work of the project and leave us the fuck alone – Mr. Little Dick.” She had said the last couple of words in a hushed toned, not wanting to embarrass the boy in front of the entire class.
He and his friend had got up and left, leaving Andrea and I by ourselves. She looked back at me and raised her hand, like she had wanted a high five. So I gave her one, and once again when our palms had touched, my heart jumped again. Retracting my arm quickly, I sat back and looked over the information I had gotten for the project. Andrea had done the same.
Class was over and the students started herding towards the door. I was trying to leave until Andrea stopped me.
“Hey, Jasmine, wait up for a second, will you?”
I had waited for her outside the classroom. Leaning against the wall, I started to think about the entire period of class. Every gestured made, to the boys taking their jokes a little too far. Our hands touching had affected me the most, because of what it had felt like. I had hoped in the deepest parts of my heart that Andrea had felt the same way. A warm feeling that someone would get from hugging their mother, after they haven’t seen her in a year and everything just feels together.
Andrea had come out and we had started walking towards the lockers. I couldn’t help but notice her figure, shapely. Her figure was perfect, toned and sexy. The curves were in all the right places, with her clothes hugging her tightly and draping down smoothly, with no piece of fabric being sucked into fat creases, like how some girls had fashioned.
Andrea never had any trouble getting a guy to notice her, they’d always swoon. But she never dated much, I may have seen her with one guy this entire year, but they didn’t last too long. All I know is, after her and her ex broke up he went to go date the school slut, see how far that gets him.
“So, what’s up, Andrea?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Nothing, really, but – do you want to go to a party this weekend?”
She had caught me by surprise with the offer, and I really didn’t want to turn her down. It had been a while since I had been out and to a party, should be fun.
“Sure. Where is it at?”
“My place, since my family is going out of town. So we gonna partay! We got drinks coming, so I hope you ready to get drunk, girl.”
She had brushed her shoulder against me and was dancing, so I reciprocated the gesture.
“Aight, I’ll see you there, then.”

The night of the party was crazy. I had gotten dressed in a nice dress, yellow and brown. I had on my black heels and I was ready to step out, but not with the intent on bagging a guy. I hoped Andrea was going to like what I was wearing.
Getting there, the music could be heard from down the block. I saw people chilling outside, couples making out, girls grinding on guys, and goers bringing in different types of alcohol.
Inside was a fascination of colors. Andrea had picked up a multi-colored ball that flashed different colors throughout the house. The house was nice, small, but nice. It was one floor, and all the doors were locked, I guessed so no one would steal anything.
I had seen Andrea, and she looked amazing. She had on an all black dress, with some black pumps, and part of her hair was in a bun, while the rest draped down her back. Seeing her made me feel the same way I did that night of my dream. I had wanted her so badly, but a guy was talking to her. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealousy.
I walked over to her and took her by the hand, pulling her away from the guy. She told that she wasn’t even interested in him, anyway. Her and I danced, my hand wrapped around the back of her neck, while both of our pelvises shot forward. They brushed up against each other and it made me feel like seeing what was under her dress, but I had to keep my composure.
As the night continued, Andrea was drinking and socializing. I didn’t drink at all, but I talked to a few people I knew from school. I had seen a guy who had played my friend, Monica. No one really knew what happened to her, but she all of a sudden just stopped coming to school. I don’t know what this nigga was doing, but he was talking with some other girl, she’ll learn.
The party ended around 2 in the morning. I decided to help Andrea clean up; well I would be doing most of it because Andrea was a little drunk.
“Girl,” she said in a slurred voice, “that party was so fucking crazy.” Andrea had come up to me and put her arm over my shoulders. I could smell the booze on her breath, she looked cute drunk.
“Come on, Andrea, let’s get you to bed.”
“Nooooo, I don’t wanna.”
I took the arm that was over my shoulders and grabbed her wrist. I had helped her to her room and laid her down on the bed. Taking off her heels, I started to take her dress off, so she would be comfortable.
“You just wanna get me undressed, don’t you?” Andrea said loudly, as she put up a struggle for me to get her dress off.
“I just want you to be more comfortable.”
“Don’t think I haven’t seen you making kissy faces at me. I’ve seen you in class starring at me like you want my goodies. Well, guess what? I’ve wanted the same thing, too!” Her drunken words made me feel some type of way, as she placed her hands on either side of my face and kissed my lips.
I didn’t know how to react, the girl of my dreams kissing me. My entire body had gone numb and loose. The kiss was amazing, despite the lingering smell and taste of Vodka.
I had pulled away and tried to regain my composure. “Andrea, do you even know what you’re doing or saying? I mean, yes, I have been staring at you, but…okay. There is no point in hiding it. I’ve had a crush on you for the longest time, and that kiss just meant everything to me, and I know you are drunk, but I just want you to know that I think I’m in love with you.” Of course, I didn’t know how I was truly feeling, but what else could I have said. I wanted to be true to myself, and myself told me that I loved her.
“Shhhhh,” she said, putting her index finger in front of my lips. “I,” she pointed to herself, “like you,” then she pointed to me, “not just like friends, but I have dreamed about kissing you. Now kiss me again.”
I couldn’t hold back my tears, so I leaned forward and kissed her lips. Her lips felt so smooth touching mine. The warm feeling that was there anytime our hands touched had returned. Then I felt something I thought I wouldn’t have, her hands groping me. Then she and I lied down on the bed together.
The next morning she and I woke up next to each other. Something I had noticed when I sat up, all my clothes was off. I had no recollection of what had happened last night, just that I felt a tingle in between my legs. Well, let me correct myself, I knew what happened, but now it is just a blur of what was. Looking next to me, I had noticed that Andrea was still asleep. I lifted up the covers and seen that she, too, was still naked. And the only thought that was going through my head was, thank God her parents weren’t home.
She began to toss and turn, pulling the blanket with whichever was she rolled. As she was about to roll off the bed I caught her. My arms were wrapped around her waist and she began to wake up.
Andrea sat up, palm placed against her forehead, slowly moving her head back and forth. She probably had a headache, from all the drinking she did last night. The blanket fell off of her, as she sat up more, exposing her luscious breast. I couldn’t help but take a peek, but my priorities went to back her to see if she was okay.
“Are you good, Andrea? Do you want me to get you anything?” I asked her.
“What all happened last night?” She asked, as she continued to shake her head.
“Um, well, you got drunk. We kissed. And, somehow, we ended up in the bed naked with each other. Minds can only inquire as to what happened.” I said laughing a little bit. But then my light-hearted demeanor soon switched to a more serious one. “You also told me how you really felt about me…” I looked away from her, as I revealed what had happened the night before.
“Oh, wow, I said all that?”
I nodded my in agreement. I began to gather my things, and started to put my clothes back on, they were scattered across the room. The silence was brittle, but no one did anything to break it. It wasn’t until I was putting my shoes on that Andrea actually said something.
“I meant every word…” Andrea said in a low voice. “I really do like you, Jasmine. Have you ever noticed that I never really date guys like that anymore? It’s because ever since I’ve seen you, my heart feels at ease, like everything just seems right when I’m talking to you. And there were times when I saw you looking at me, but I would continue to stare out the window and just day dream about us. My only problem was I didn’t know how to tell you how I was feeling. Of course, I would have to be drunk to tell you my true feelings.”
My heart had stopped. Everything that I had once dreamed about was coming true. The feelings that were wrapped around my heart, finally started to loosen. I had real feelings about Andrea, and I wasn’t about to let this opportunity pass me by.
But even though I was sure I knew what I wanted to do, my parents feelings still scared me to no end. My parents were avid church goers, and didn’t believe in homosexual relationships. They felt they were morally wrong, and anybody who was in them was bad people. I was afraid that if they had ever figured out they would send me away like my first kisses parents did to her.
It was the last thing that I needed to worry about. Andrea and I decided to keep our relationship under wraps, rather than exclusive.
In school we acted like the best of friends, but after it, she and I had a relationship that some people could only dream about. We were happy, and we continued on like everything was as normal as could be.
“Jasmine, I’m glad you and I are together,” she said to me.
“I know, Andrea, I’m happy to. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. There really aren’t too many girls out there who are accustomed to this sort of lifestyle. So I feel fortunate, that I was able to find someone like you.”
She leaned in and kissed my lips gently. She and I were at my place, one day after school. My parents weren’t due home for hours, so she and I took advantage of the time we had by ourselves. She had closed the door, and my clothes had started to come off. Once our lips had touched, I had gone in to ecstasy.

We had lost track of time, as Andrea laid her head on my bosom. I had brushed her hair out of the way of her face and kissed her forehead. Her body felt so warm against mine, as my hand softly stroked her arm. I could feel her toes tickle my leg, reacting to how I was touching her arm.
The sun shone in through my window and the bright rays warmed me up. My room was silent, and it felt right because I had rarely gotten the chance for peace and tranquility. It was like my own personal utopia, with every that I could have ever imagined in my room.
I had had everything that I wanted: peace, silence, the girl that I was falling for. Everything was perfect, despite having to hide the truth from my parents. But at this point it was a minor detail.
I looked down at Andrea, and noticed how adorable her face was. Her nose wrinkled as the hairs that draped down her face tickled it. Her eyes kept closing harder, as if she didn’t want to see something so bad, but I didn’t know why, because I had wanted to see her pretty brown eyes so badly.
As I admired her cute features, I could hear the handle to my door turning. Shooting up, I tried to wake Andrea up, but it was too late. Both of my parents stood there, bewilderment and shock covered their faces, witnessing their daughter naked and in bed with another girl.
“What the fuck!” my dad screamed out.
“Girl, put on your damn clothes, right now!” screamed my mom.

Ever since that day, Andrea hadn’t talked to me too much. My parents had told hers what they had discovered, and they felt that Andrea didn’t need to be around me anymore. The hardest part about it was how Andrea took it. She didn’t seem to care, or at least that’s how she came off. It was at school when Andrea explained to me what was happening.
“Jasmine, we can’t be together. I don’t even know what I was thinking…” she said in a low, almost sarcastic voice, “I’m a girl, I’m supposed to like guys, not girls. This was only something I wanted to experiment with, but you became too in to it.
“I’m sorry, Jasmine, but I just don’t like you like that. Please, don’t talk me anymore, don’t call me, and don’t come around my place. As far as you are concerned, I am just another girl in school, who likes guys. I’m not gay, you are. I’m normal, and my parents say that they’ll forget all this happened, and they’ll forgive me, if I stay away from you.
“At first I thought they were acting stupid, but then I really started to think about it. The Bible frowns upon homosexuality, and I don’t want to go to hell. And if you don’t want to go to hell, then you might want to get over this entire lesbian phase.”
Every word she spoke, she seemed to choke out. It was almost as if it was hard for her to say each word, and that even she didn’t believe everything she was saying. But even though I believed that, every word was still the equivalent to a knife slowly piercing its way into my heart.
After she was done speaking, she turned her back to me and walked away. There was nothing I could say to her that could change her mind, so what would be the point? But I knew who I was, and I knew what I liked, girls, and I was going to continue on with that lifestyle. I didn’t care what the Bible said, because the Bible doesn’t predict my happiness. The Bible doesn’t give me directions on what I should do if faced with a situation like this one. The Bible can’t penalize me, because of the way that I was born. But, it still did. Because of those words and peoples beliefs, some people won’t accept me for being me.
When I had gotten home, my family still didn’t talk to me much. But I still did my daily routine: grab a snack, do the chores, do my homework, help mom with dinner, listen to Bible study with dad, finish up any homework I didn’t finish earlier, and go to bed. But I noticed when I was helping my mom out with dinner, tears dropped down her cheek.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I asked, in hopes that I could help.
“My daughter is a fucking LESBIAN!” she shouted right in my face.
The word she yelled at me made me start to cry. Her words ripped through me like paper going into a shredder. I didn’t know what to say, or how to react. I didn’t want to see my mom cry, but I was the reason to why she was crying.
“Mom, why can’t you be happy that I’m happy,” I cried out.
“Why would I be happy that my daughter likes other girls and wants to go against the teachings of the Bible? How the hell am I supposed to have grandchildren now! You’re living in sin, Jasmine, sin!”
My dad ran into the kitchen, because of all the screaming. I tried to run to him for comfort, but he pushed me off of him. My face was hurting and I couldn’t keep it straight from all the crying I was doing. I looked in both of my parents eyes and could the disappointment and pain on their faces. Their pain reflected my own, as my mom found the comfort I was looking for in my dad.
I wanted to join them but I felt they would only push me away. I felt my legs start to go weak, and eventually they gave out and I began to topple to the floor. Trying to grab the counter for leverage was to no avail, because my fingers had slipped. As I lay crippled on the floor, I began to hit the ground to release all of my pain and anger. I kept hitting the ground until I couldn’t anymore; my dad had grabbed my hand. Looking up at him, trying to look past the pain, I saw how angry he truly was. The disappointment in his eyes was so tangible, as if he was looking at his biggest regret.
“Stop all that nonsense hitting. The neighbors are going think that we beat you or something. Look, the last thing I would want is to disown you as my daughter. But I can’t generally be proud to have a gay as a daughter. You are a shame to this family. Now, we could look past all of this if you leave that life behind and ask God for forgiveness. We’d be glad to forgive you, as well. And we will never have to remember this moment of ignorance. If not, then I can’t allow you to live under our roof anymore.” My dad said, extending his arm out to me.
They wanted me to forget who I was, what made me happy. They wanted me to ask for forgiveness for something that I didn’t feel sorry about. Is this how forgiveness worked? Is this how life is supposed to be? Conforming to a way that makes you unhappy, and makes you curse your existence everyday.
Part of me didn’t want to conform, part of me just wanted to go back to that moment before my parents found Andrea and I, my utopia. But the other part of me didn’t want to lose my family. That part was ready to do anything to get back into the good graces of my parents. That part of me was ready to leave my true happiness behind, and it was much stronger than the other part.
Looking up to my dad I grabbed his hand and nodded. “Yes, I’ll ask for forgiveness.” I muttered out, blinking through my teary eyes.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me in to his loving embrace. My mom came from behind and wrapped her arms around me, as well. My tears didn’t stop, as they held me. I didn’t know if they were supposed to or not. But what was I really crying for? Crying out of happiness for not losing my family or crying out of pain for everything I just lost?